Top Ten Things About Being Unemployed, or, Hire Me Please God Hire Me.

I am unemployed. I am bored. I am spending A LOT of time on Buzzfeed, and when my boyfriend/mum/cat isn't looking, on the Daily Mail Sidebar of Shame. It's like crack, only more vulgar. My 'Motivation Coach' from the Jobcentre is my new bestie, and I am averaging two baths a day. I'm not stupid though - I know have it pretty cushy, this job-seeking malarkey. I am a university graduate, I'm living at home, home happens to be Manchester, and although I am thus-far unsuccessfully trying to get a job in media (ho, ho), it's not like I am going to be victimised for being on the dole, unlike many of my fellow Jobcentre frequenters, or anyone featured on hellish shows such as Benefits Street. Anyway, less of the ranting, more of the list-making denial fun. 

Thus far I have been fluctuating between tirades about the perils of graduate unemployment + unpaid work experience, and telling myself to stop whining. Today I am going to do a mixture of the two, with this super internet-y list of unemployment wins:

1) I get to be a full-time parent and life-coach to my cat. I WILL win her back from my mum. 

2) I have time to fine-tune my argument against Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin's new found love. She is a QUEEN and he is a mere peasant. 

3) I can reconnect with Buffy the Vampire Slayer in an important way. Anything Buffy Can Do...

4) I have perfected my Paul Hollywood inspired White Cob Loaf.

5) I am now on familiar (albeit one-sided) terms with all of BBC News' presenters, as I have it on pretty much all of the day to retain a link to the outside world.

6) I can legitimately be on the internet all the time because that is where the jobs are. 

7) I have overcome my phobia of the dishwasher in order to contribute to a more pleasant home environment in which no one shouts at anyone for refusing to fill and/or empty it. 

8) My nosy neighbouring is off the frickin' chain. 

9) I can blame all of my problems on the DEFICIT and the JOB MARKET and the TORIES. 

10) I can make self-indulgent blog posts like this instead of getting on with stuff. 

Yours sincerely, 

SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO BE EMPLOYED NOW PLEASE. 

This one is a winner.